It has been 4 months since my relationship with my Dad has been restored. I have been amazed at what God has been doing but also how He has been doing it too! I am continuing writing everything that has been happening and through my writing I have been able to express some of my most deepest thoughts.
There has been a lot of rebuilding and through the rubble and ruins I have had to sift the old objects of my memories. Memory after memory has been resurfaced and each time I have to choose what I want to do with it. This is soul restoration - I am being completely rebuilt. Foundations removed entirely and replaced by Jesus. Sometimes I feel conflicted as I am pulled between the old and the new.
Many conflicting feelings have arisen since building the new relationship with my Dad as my soul battles between love and fear. Love will win it out- it always does but there is pain in moving from the one to the other. Firstly I have had to get out of my comfort zone! I knew that in choosing to accept this relationship instead of rejecting it that I would have to move into places of great discomfort. How tempting it can be to run from those places and it has took all my strength not to.
In my counselling sessions using Sozo tools many times I declared forgiveness for my father rejecting me. Yet now as I walk the journey of rebuilding forgiveness becomes an act- it moves from words to actions. Just as I declared my forgiveness in the spiritual realm it must now take place in the physical realm. I must choose in each moment to let go and let God fill me with His love.
A flood of emotions have overcome me at times abruptly leaving me feeling heavy and oppressed. I am overwhelmed by their rude awakening. Anger, doubt, distrust, resentment, self-pity tormented my soul. I had never been angry at my Dad before and now it raged through me. I love my Father in heaven, not this father who was never there for me and left me with an inheritance I never wanted. As I filled with hatred it felt so unnatural, rebellion and self-destruction followed soon after and I was getting pulled into a greater force stronger than all this. Then God reminded me, gently and quietly, He reminded me of love and how much He loves me.
Yet more than this He reminded me that is a choice- I have to choose to love and there is power in that. God chose to love me when I was nothing and when I was a complete mess! God restored my father to me and therefore I must choose love over fear and forgiveness over hate. God's love is stronger than any hate, his love burns with holy fire and will shine through all.