Reflections...

The past few days have been a whirlwind and in the quietness of Boxing day I have made time to reflect. Christmas day was the first spent with my whole family together. There was such an atmosphere of peace as I enjoyed sharing the day with everyone.

Inverness was an incredible trip and I am so glad Jason arranged it all for me. Before I left I felt this deep sense of importance surrounding this visit to Scotland. 3 years after the discovery of my family heritage in Scotland I finally had the opportunity to walk in my ancestor's footsteps. I had never been on an airplane before and was a little nervous about flying. Yet the experience was exhilarating, even though I found take off a little uncomfortable, I soon forgot as I gazed in awe at the views through the window. The vision before me was heavenly, we floated above a bed of clouds which sailed and danced around us.

As we stepped off the plane the cold air bit through me and I was startled by the crispness of it. I knew at this point that I had not brought the right clothes for the weather! We had arrived in Scotland in the darkness so I had to wait till the morning before I could see anything. Our first day was spent exploring the local shops and the city of Inverness mainly because I wanted to see the big bookshop that we had discovered whilst researching the local attractions. The bookshop was so large that it took ages to look round and we spent most of the morning in there.

We had tried the telephone number of my family in Scotland just before we left and it had dialing tone. I had been hoping that they would answer so I could ask if we could meet up with them in Inverness as we were only staying an hour away. Yet they could not be reached before we left for Scotland. I did feel a small pang of disappointment but I didn't want this to stop me from believing in greater things. We had also tried to discover where my Nana was buried in Scotland in hopes of visiting her grave. When she died last year in January I had not really been able to feel anything. She had become a fleeting person in my life, no sooner had I found her was she gone. Yet we could find nothing about where she was buried.

On the second day of our trip we got up early and drove out to the Loch Ness which was breathtaking. I would have loved to go out onto the Loch in a boat which it was possible to hire but it was just too cold for me! As we continued driving we came across a castle called Urquhart castle.

Jason loves castle so we decided to have a look around there. In that time the weather had changed and it started to pour with heavy cold rain. Another realisation- my coat was not waterproof!After getting very wet and cold we headed back for a hot meal at the hotel. Later on in the day we drove to Raigmore hospital where my Dad was born. To see the place where Dad was born filled me with such emotion and we started to pray. I had prayed at the Loch and prayed outside the hospital.

The very next day we awoke with a fresh determination to visit the Highland Archive office which we had seen on a signpost the day before. Within moments of visiting the Archive office we had the name of the cemetery and the location of her grave which was only 3 minutes away! I was in complete shock - finally we could go and visit her grave. I went to buy some flowers, beautiful pink tulips with gold leaves. Meanwhile the weather grew gradually worse and the rain became torrential. We hadn't long been at the cemetery before we found her name amongst the others. Seeing the words written before me I started to feel a bit choked and I grew irritable as I was trying to arrange her flowers. Jason asked me if I wanted to be alone and I realised then that I did. It wasn't long before tears came and pain filled my heart of the loss. Yet all I could think of was the loss between my Dad and her. How she was his mother but could never be his mother. Once again I prayed and came away from the grave feeling a whole lot lighter.

Our trip to Inverness felt as though it was a beginning and an end. Another chapter in the story and seeds sown in the soil of Scotland. There is growing and transformation in my life and I anticipate the new year because 2015 has been amazing!

Stronger than the darkness...

A heavy cloud has been resting on me now these past 3 years since my diagnosis. Although I don't regret anything that has happened during those 3 years and have seen so much of God's goodness, I have felt the full weight of my choice. Sometimes it has been hard to see out of the storm of chaos and many times I have felt a grip on me stronger than flesh and blood. Since I stepped into the discovery of my family and the generational curse - I feel as though I have stepped into an enemy stronghold full of fear, darkness, shame and a war on the flesh and mind.

I began to suffer with an anxiety that clutched and squeezed the life out of me. It would take hold of me so unexpectedly and inject with me fear. So much confusion reigned in my life and only God could make things clear for me. He would show up with his giant torch to shine under the bed and check for monsters. He would reassure me that everything is okay. He would show me how I sadly believed a lie and would tell me the truth. Great peace would flood my soul and the fear retreated.


Yet the fear still continued to attack trying so many different tactics. Each time it was defeated it returned as though angered by God's victory. Its main source of attack is always related to my mutant DNA. Since my father came back into my life in April this year the attacks have grown more pointed. Yet over the summer this year God stirred up in my heart a longing for healing so strong. I began to believe, though it is deemed impossible in our physical world, that I would be healed. This wellspring of hope had become a shining light over the past few months.


When I started University in September I grew very busy with the work and assignments and started to feel a little weary and tired. Yet once again God intervened and charged me with new energy - in the form of hope. Truth opened out before me like a book. I could suddenly see myself from the position of an observer - I saw the darkness that was all around me. I saw how I had begun to hold my head in shame. How unworthiness seemed to seep from me. The beautiful place of my mind that God created had become polluted by dark and fearful thoughts. I had believed the lie that I am not 'me' anymore, like some Jekyll and Hyde creature I was slowly transforming into the mutant DNA that lies within me. My thought-life had become panicked and fearful. I was fighting to control my mind so strongly, so tightly because I was afraid of it, like it somehow wasn't mine anymore. I knew this was the work of the enemy attacking my identity.

The truth illuminated the darkness and confusion. Once again peace flooded me and hope filled my heart...

"So why would I fear the future? For I'm being pursued only by Your goodness and unfailing love..."  ~Psalm 23.

Letting go...

Letting go

It’s a season of letting go

Of all I knew

And all I know.

With empty hands

And empty heart

I come to You

For a fresh start.

I let go of all the anxiety

All the what ifs

And the whys

And rest under your great authority.

I sing for joy

Over your perfect love for me

That casts out all fear

And cleanses me.

But letting go means more

Than just releasing

It’s a key to set me free

To liberate. To restore.

Building hunger...

It has already been one month since I started University and so far I have really been enjoying the experience. I have already read so many interesting books and some that I have always longed to read but never found the time to. I've also met some incredible people and found myself growing in this season. Going to University was something I have always wanted to do but after the past few years of difficulties it became less of a priority.

Yet as the weeks have been going on a new type of hunger has been awakening in me. I find the work interesting but it is not as satisfying as I always thought it would be. If anything I find myself more hungry than ever but not for the kind of knowledge I gain at University- my hunger is for God. The more I'm at University the more I realise how much I want and need God to be central in my life. I constantly want to talk about Him, write about Him and worship Him.

I have always believed education is important and I am so blessed with the opportunity to learn. Somehow though my beliefs got mixed up with thinking it meant everything, that it was part of my identity. Yet as I sit in University I realise more and more that it cannot cultivate the person I want to be, the knowledge I will gain is only a small part of who I am and cannot serve fully to who I want to be.

At first I thought it was a bad thing that University did not satisfy me. It made me question whether I was doing the right thing in being there. After a time though it became clear that this new season is one of building hunger for God. I want more of Him, I need more of Him. My soul has been crying out for that every day as it continuously increases. "Give me more God", my heart sings, I've tasted and seen that the Lord is good and I want more...

As the Autumn leaves fall outside I shed my own dried up leaves and step into new truths...

"I am truly His Rose...I am overshadowed by His growing love, in the valley"...

Writing and Uni...

So I have literally 2 weeks to go till I start University! Getting quite nervous now! I have bought the books, I've got my timetable and now I'm ready to go. I first applied for Uni back in February and since then it hasn't really felt real that I would actually be going but when I received my reading list I thought, "Okay this is really real now!!" Going on this course is a humongous step for me as when I left education 3 years ago I never thought I would get the opportunity to go back.

I love writing and reading but particularly over the past couple of years my writing has taken a whole new direction. It isn't just about writing it's more than that, it's become a way to express myself, it's unlocked my heart. I have written in and from some of the most painful experiences and in doing so the joy has been even greater when I started to move from that season of pain, of wilderness to that of abundance, of God's promises and of His revelation of Truth.

I am going to University to bring another experience of stepping out in this new season of restoration. I am hoping I will gain new tools for writing and grow in confidence. One of the modules I will start next year will be Creative Writing which I am super excited about. So I shall try and keep up blogging posts here and there about my experiences at Uni!

So why would I fear the future?

Regret...something I have not felt in the 3 years since I have known. I believed I was being courageous getting tested but I did not know how much the result would torment me. It tests me every day and as I stood in front of the mirror this morning putting make up on my face I felt a surge of regretfulness over the choice I made. I thought to myself, 'Wouldn't it be easier now if I had made a different choice?' I gazed at myself, 'Would I be the same person I am now?' 

I had accepted the diagnosis readily with such ease but now something is stirring inside me screaming, 'I don't want it! The burden is too heavy'. Seeing my father beginning to show early signs of HD conjured up images, thoughts and feelings of my future. There is so much fear surrounding the disease's form of attack, the way it seems to strip away a person's identity. The way that daughter must look at father knowing she must become like him. 

Wouldn't it have been easier now if I had not taken that test? I could at least put all my faith and trust in God that I would be free of disease as no laboratory results would say otherwise. Instead I have this piece of paper inscribed with my fate. Yet as I have free will I made the choice to see what lay dormant in me. Again it was confirmed as little embryos formed in me were discovered to hold the same toxic seed. 

I have another choice before me- despite all this knowledge that has come from DNA, from doctors and generations before me do I still trust God that He will work it all out for good? Do I still have hope that somehow I could be healed from what is deemed an incurable disease? I made a choice and chose this path and I don't pretend it isn't harder- it calls for my faith to be so much bigger, it calls for me to look beyond what I think I understand and put complete trust in God. 

"Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?"

~Matthew 16:24-26

David may not have had a piece of paper to show for it but he had a death warrant on his life. Saul wanted him dead and it was battle that required David to put all his trust in God and in doing so his faith grew bigger and bigger each time. He reminded himself all the time of God's goodness and expressed his heart in the writing of his songs. So why would I fear the future? "Fear will never conquer me, for you already have!'"

So I pray that though this path is hard at times I will remember, "the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago", of how big our God is and how nothing is impossible with Him!! 

"So why would I fear the future? For I'm being pursued by Your goodness and unfailing love". ~Psalm 23 The Passion Translation.

Choosing to love...

It has been 4 months since my relationship with my Dad has been restored. I have been amazed at what God has been doing but also how He has been doing it too! I am continuing writing everything that has been happening and through my writing I have been able to express some of my most deepest thoughts. 

There has been a lot of rebuilding and through the rubble and ruins I have had to sift the old objects of my memories. Memory after memory has been resurfaced and each time I have to choose what I want to do with it. This is soul restoration - I am being completely rebuilt. Foundations removed entirely and replaced by Jesus. Sometimes I feel conflicted as I am pulled between the old and the new. 

Many conflicting feelings have arisen since building the new relationship with my Dad as my soul battles between love and fear. Love will win it out- it always does but there is pain in moving from the one to the other. Firstly I have had to get out of my comfort zone! I knew that in choosing to accept this relationship instead of rejecting it that I would have to move into places of great discomfort. How tempting it can be to run from those places and it has took all my strength not to. 

In my counselling sessions using Sozo tools many times I declared forgiveness for my father rejecting me. Yet now as I walk the journey of rebuilding forgiveness becomes an act- it moves from words to actions. Just as I declared my forgiveness in the spiritual realm it must now take place in the physical realm. I must choose in each moment to let go and let God fill me with His love. 

A flood of emotions have overcome me at times abruptly leaving me feeling heavy and oppressed. I am overwhelmed by their rude awakening. Anger, doubt, distrust, resentment, self-pity tormented my soul. I had never been angry at my Dad before and now it raged through me. I love my Father in heaven, not this father who was never there for me and left me with an inheritance I never wanted. As I filled with hatred it felt so unnatural, rebellion and self-destruction followed soon after and I was getting pulled into a greater force stronger than all this. Then God reminded me, gently and quietly, He reminded me of love and how much He loves me. 

Yet more than this He reminded me that is a choice- I have to choose to love and there is power in that. God chose to love me when I was nothing and when I was a complete mess! God restored my father to me and therefore I must choose love over fear and forgiveness over hate. God's love is stronger than any hate, his love burns with holy fire and will shine through all. 

The Life Giver...

I wrote this some time ago back in February. This is my picture of how I have seen God in my life. He has been the Nurturer and the Life Giver and I am forever changed by Him.

God planted the seed (me) into the dark warm place of my mother's womb. The seed was made up of many parts of my mother and father but it was unique, never before created. The seed grew taking shape and form in the mysterious quiet of the womb becoming more and more recognizable.

In due time the beautiful work of God was ready to be birthed and brought forth into the world. From the moment I was born roots were put down and the tiny sprout was visible. As I grew in height a solid brown trunk held my being. My roots entwined deeper into the earth below me.

I was watered by my mother's love and strengthened. Branches sprung sturdy and green with leaves. I grew and grew and grew. Yet as I got taller and my roots thickened my mother's love was not enough nourishment. I was missing something crucial, something life-sustaining. So I stopped growing, the leaves gradually began to wither and turn brown, some even dropped off. My branches became brittle and were delicate, easily broken. Some began to break under the pressures and demands of the world. What happened to the beautiful seed God had planted?

The life was being slowly starved from me. I was hungry for that living giving water...so hungry. The branches that were left were not my own, they were disconnected, broken and weak. One final blow was the discovery that within my branches I carried a life destroying disease formed in my seed and given to me from my father- the absent father who had not watered me with his love and instead had withheld all love at all.

How was I to bear up under this new knowledge? I had already grown so weak, so broken, who could help me now? Just as every last drop of hope drained away from me I looked up and saw Him who I had longed for. I almost felt like saying, "It was you all along who I was missing. I was hungry and nothing filled me but you" and He sent His rain of love upon me. I breathed. I was badly damaged and it would take time to restore and rebuild.

He asked me, "Do you trust that I can rebuild you?" I answered, "Yes". He said, "You will be a new creation and will have eternal life". I sighed, a deep sigh of peace. From that day forward I breathed in His air, I was fed by His love, watered with His grace. Some of my branches were pruned so that new could grow, dead leaves fell away and I was bare before the Lord. Some days were hard as I became impatient to see what God was doing.

Then it happened! I saw a tiny green bud and a nodule. New life was forming! God smiled at my joy. One tiny bud of hope, of life. I thanked Him. My faith was ever increasing as His love abounded me. My tree had been so barren, so empty.

Over the days, months and years many more green buds sprung up all over and new branches were created in place of the old. These new branches were thick, strong and connected firmly to my tree. My tree stood sure in the soil my Father had given me.

My Father told me one day, "These branches I have given to you are the branches of Jesus. All He is is yours. He is my Son and you are my Daughter. Your inheritance is eternal life." I was in awe, "But Father why do I deserve this?" He said, "You have not earned it. It is given to you as a gift of my love. Your old branches are gone. The diseased and broken and dead and I have given you Jesus' ones".

Still Alice, tears and letting go...

**Warning contains major spoilers!**



I have just finished watching the movie Still Alice and after crying literally through the whole thing I felt I needed to write a blog post about it. Although Alice is diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's disease every part of her story I could relate to. Alice realises something is wrong when she begins to forget very important things such as getting lost on her daily run and forgetting what she was talking about in one her lectures. So she goes to the doctors thinking it might be a brain tumour and was shocked to discover a rare form of early-onset Alzheimer's was what was stealing her memory. 

This wasn't the only discovery she made though, after further tests her neurologist discovers that it is a familial form of Alzheimer's. Therefore her three children had a 50/50 chance of being a carrier and if they were positive, a 100% chance of developing symptoms. One of her daughter's Anna had been trying to start a family with IUI. Two of Alice's children tested, her son was negative but her daughter Anna was positive. Her other daughter chose not to get tested. 

By this time I was completely undone with crying and it brought back a lot of memories of when I got diagnosed with Huntington's disease. Alice's character reminded me a lot of myself before my diagnosis and it runs completely parallel with the journey God has been taking me on. This quote particularly made me smile:

"But on my bad days, I feel like I can’t find myself. I’ve always been so defined by my intellect, my language, my articulation and now sometimes I can see the words hanging in front of me and I can’t reach them and I don’t know who I am and I don’t know what I’m going to lose next"

I always used to define myself by my articulation and my intellect but God's been showing me more and more how that had just become another wall to my true self within. I thought it made me who I am but it just became a barrier to who I really was. 

Later on in the movie Alice makes a speech to the Alzheimer's society. She begins her speech by saying;

"The poet Elizabeth Bishoponce wrote: 'the Art of Losing isn't hard to master: so many things seem filled with the intent to be lost that their loss is no disaster.' I'm not a poet, I am a person living with Early Onset Alzheimer's, and as that person I find myself learning the art of losing every day".

Again I find it easy to relate to this as through this diagnosis in becoming broken God has been showing me to let go of so many things in my life. I am learning more and more there is beauty in brokenness. I didn't like being broken, I kept wanting to go back to the person I used to be. So I did everything I could to cover up the brokenness and hid all the cracks but God doesn't want that! He wants me as I am! So I find myself daily learning the art of letting go. It doesn't seem to make sense but in letting go I become whole. It is the complete opposite of what we are all trying to do.We think we are losing not gaining. We all want to advance, to progress, to move forward! 

“My yesterdays are disappearing, and my tomorrows are uncertain, so what do I live for? I live for each day. I live in the moment!" 

This movie truly captured my heart and allowed me to see another part of myself that I had been longing for. Sometimes I fight so hard to forget about my diagnosis, other times I believe that I should be focusing entirely on being healed but in both ways I always feel like I am clinging on so tightly, either in shutting my eyes to it, or believing it will be gone entirely. Yet perhaps God wants something even greater than that for me- perhaps He wants me to let go... 

Fighting with anxiety...

It's become quite obvious to me now that it's time I wrote about the anxiety which has been plaguing me strongly since the end of last year. It is time to declare this anxiety as being very small which it hasn't felt like as I have quietly fought with it. Doesn't something always feel so much larger when it is kept within the walls of your inner world? Yet when we lead it out into the open, into the bright stark light we see it for the first time in it's true size- tiny!

This anxiety has been a stranglehold at times, choking the life from me. It came with a suddenness into my life but with time spent in counselling I have seen how deep the grain of the anxiety lies. It had been hovering under the surface of my life for many years just below my conscious. With it being tucked away and hidden from sight it might have surfaced a little sometimes but still not enough to make me aware of the destruction it would cause.

After a series of events in my life of difficult times, illness followed by a generational disease, culminated by 3 rounds of failed IVF and this year the tearing open of an old wound by the reemergence of my father in my life - all had a snowball effect upon the fear seeded in my heart. Suddenly fear broke through strong and hard, the surface was cracked and it was released.

Anxiety attacks began after the last failed IVF round and I entered this new year with a burden I didn't want to carry. I didn't want people to see me suffering with this anxiety and would hide it as much as I could trying to push it back into that secret place it came from but it would not go back into hiding! Soon my husband became aware of the anxiety and I caved in and told him all I had been feeling. A small part of me felt relief in releasing it from myself to another. This happened on Christmas Day last year and I started then on a whole new journey of now learning to live with this risen anxiety.

At times I sank into deep pits of despair and would feel so ashamed of the fear I was carrying. I found myself crying more often and my heart felt tender. Yet something became clearer with each attack a revelation would follow closely behind from God. The attack would bring such confusion and everything would feel completely foggy and unclear but usually straight afterwards a truth about myself would be revealed. Layer after layer was being peeled away and God was restoring light into my life. Every so often it would feel so dark but again and again God would shine through with the burning truth. He never left me, He was by side and walking through it with me. This process was painful but there was something in it, something more than what my eyes were seeing. God has been taking me on the journey of fear so it can be replaced, so it can be reinstated with Faith!

He is revealing more and more to me every day and my journey is taking shape and form as I see what true restoration really means! I have so much more that I could write but I breathe a sigh as I let go of the words onto the page...My heart feels lighter..

 I must thank all those dear friends who have been walking this journey with me.

When life gets busy...

As I write today I battle with the effects of burn-out. This year has become one of the most fulfilling and exhilarating years I have ever experienced. We have been blessed in so much but one thing I continuously fight with is the momentum life can suddenly reach. 

The year ahead is jam-packed with new and exciting events and activities but I often face the question of how can I have the energy to do them all? This began when at 14 years old I was diagnosed with M.E.- an illness that robs you of your energy. I have never really written about it and have attempted so many times to keep it hidden but still the struggle is there. 

Often the lack of energy at times can cause me to feel extremely despondent as I have to navigate through all the different opportunities that are daily given to me. The last few weeks have been particularly hard as there have been a lot of difficulties to overcome. The only way I can describe to you what it feels like most of the time is in the form of a picture. I am like a person who is spinning plates, I'll get a couple of plates spinning really strong and solid and feel happy to start trying others. However I often get very excitable as those plates are going really well so I'll reach for another 5 or 10 instead of 1! Before I know they all come tumbling down and I have to start again. 

Yet I have felt God saying to me continuously over this year..."Let go, stop trying to spin those plates and come to me"...  I have began to realise that my weariness frequently heightens when I do not spend time in His presence. I need His presence. There is healing in His presence. The plate spinner madly dashes back and forth fearful of the crash of tumbling plates. Yet the Jesus follower doesn't need spinning plates, he peacefully walks past him and says, "My Father has got this because each plate is in His hand!" 

Matthew 11:28
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest"...

"Perfect love drives out fear"...

If I was to write all that has been happening in my life since February when I last posted on here it would take me many weeks to share everything! Yet I am compelled to share this incredible story of what God has been doing in my life this year!

Before I share what happened I will firstly explain the circumstances of my relationship with my Dad. After I was conceived my father had decided that he couldn't be part of my life. This decision was not made quickly and was wrestled with over a number of months. Many external factors may well have influenced the decision as well. It was messy and complicated. As I grew up I remember wondering where my Dad was but like with anything painful this was buried and forgotten in the events of life.

Up to the age of seven my mother had taken me a few times to visit my father but it was not well received, he was still sticking by that decision he had made. The last time I had visited him was when my mum had taken me to his place of work to give him a Christmas card. He worked in the offices on the top floor and the lady on reception had to ring up to him. I stood there waiting and she said to me, "I am sorry but your father has just left the building". He had run away from me...I left there feeling confused as to why my Daddy was scared of me.

22 years of having no father left me with a big hole in my life but I couldn't really see that until I found Father God! Father God began to show me that the pain in my life had left me more of a mess than I ever could have imagined. Many times I feel as though I have had light bulb moments from God as over and over he has revealed more and more of His truth!

The Lord was about to reveal something that would amaze more even more! It all began on Good Friday when we had a telephone call from Gillian (my father’s adoptive sister) who told us that sadly Kitty (my father’s adoptive mother) had passed away that morning. She was 87 years old and had been suffering with a chest infection. The news had left me feeling split between two emotions of sadness but excitement. I was sad that her time on earth was over but she was a believer and I knew that she would be in heaven with Jesus. Yet I also felt an anticipation of something good and this was because I knew that there would be a potential meeting between me and my father.

The funeral was scheduled to take place on 16^th April at 12.45pm and I had been invited to go along with my mum and Jason. Just the day beforehand we had been to visit Kitty’s body to say our goodbyes. That was the first time I had ever seen a lifeless body before so I felt that I had overcome a fear of death by visiting her.

A week before the funeral I had met up with two friends from Church, Amanda and Diane, and I shared with them about the upcoming funeral. They knew all the circumstances about my Dad and the pain his absence had left in my life. So they prayed for me and their faith being great enlarged mine even more. I left them with an even more amplified expectation of God’s goodness to come.

Yet it wasn’t without testing! On the day of the funeral I felt a deep of peace in my heart and got ready feeling comfortable about the day ahead. Nevertheless as I got in the car and we started journeying towards the Church where the funeral was being held I had the worst anxiety attack yet to hit me! I wrestled in the car with the anxiety and the closer I got the stronger it felt. My chest tightened so I could barely breathe, sharp pains stabbed like daggers, my hands started to sweat profusely and I felt dizzy. With every twist in the road I felt pulled in every direction. The car felt like it was travelling too fast and I was overwhelmed with the sense of everything being out of control. I knew what the attack was and I knew why!  

As we got to the Church we were late and the service had already started. Every step towards the Church had now become painful. I almost felt I had been inflicted with pain. The enemy had started whispering to me and an attack of the doubts had risen up. I felt so restless and as we went into the Church I was constantly looking for the man, who by name, was my Dad.

As I sat in my seat I felt barely conscious, there was a battle going on inside of me. The enemy whispered, “Go you shouldn’t be here, you don’t deserve to be here”. I felt a deep sense of shame had suddenly surfaced in me, tears kept welling in my eyes. I had sat near the door and the temptation was so strong to leave. I felt I was being purged of something that had long been sitting within me and it was all surfacing and rising. It threatened to overwhelm me but God had His hand upon me. This battle had long been decided that it was to be a victory for the Lord.

As I got out of the Church at the end of the service again we were late and had missed the intermediate family leaving first. My mum had rushed ahead to try and catch Gillian before they left for the Crematorium. Every step in that direction had again become painful. I didn’t even want to walk that way, I was on the verge of giving up when I had already got too close to the family party gathered ahead and was suddenly embraced in a hug by Gillian!

Then my eyes slowly turned and saw as my father rotated around and saw my mother standing there. He gave her a warm hug and kiss on the cheek and then his eyes fell upon me. The anxiety was gone. It had all disappeared in that second. I noticed immediately that there was difference in the way my father was looking at me. His eyes were penetrating and concentrated. He softly said ‘Hello’ and just continue to gaze upon my face.

All of sudden we were off again to the Crematorium in which a short service saw Kitty’s coffin disappear behind the curtain. All filed outside to talk before many went onto Gillian’s house for refreshments. My father and I once again locked eyes across the crowd of people. He was slowly trying to make his way to us but kept getting stopped by others.

We were then invited back to Gillian’s which was completely unexpected! We were turning to leave and make our way there when my Dad caught us before we left. He said, ‘You’re not going are you?’ We replied that we were heading to Gillian’s. He seemed most happy then and was content to let us go. I felt he wanted to talk to me and I had an expectation of more of God's goodness to come.

At this point I was brimming with excitement but also felt a sense of shock and wonder at the turnaround of events. We travelled to Gillian’s and arrived after everyone else (again!), food and drink was offered and there was a buzz as the house began to fill up quite quickly. My Dad was busy chatting to everyone. There was a feeling of awkwardness for me as I didn’t know anyone but Gillian invited us into her empty living room and sat to talk to us for a bit before her hostess duties called to her.

After Gillian left we sat there for a bit with the odd person coming in and out. As time passed by I began to grow a little fidgety and said to mum and Jason, “Shall we get going now?” It was agreed upon and I summoned Jay to convey a message to my Dad, “Please can you tell Dad that we are leaving now and if he wants to have a chat before we go we are in the living room”. Jason got up and no sooner had he left were we joined by my Dad!

To my utter amazement he sat down next to me on the sofa and turned to look at me. There was some hesitation and nerves at first but unlike in the past there was an atmosphere of breakthrough. Time seemed to freeze as he looked into the face of his daughter. No words were spoken for some time. His face was softened and gentle as though melted by the radiance of love that shone there. It was as though he had just seen me for the first time. Every person who came in Dad would say, "This is my daughter Polly". I felt pursued. I felt wanted. I felt loved and precious. Something new had awakened in me. 

An hour and a half passed in which the conversation had even reached football between Dad and Jason. I came away that day with words of hope and light. Dad had mentioned me visiting him and being able to ring him. He looked joyful and excited. 

The Lord had just won a great big victory for me! Thank you Jesus! Oh how you have restored to me all that has been lost, stolen or destroyed! God's heart-shaped fingerprints were all over this moment! Upon reflection after the funeral I realised that it was though I had to become the pain for that moment, which manifested so strongly in me, in order for it to be released and replaced by God’s perfect love. As I had sat in the Church service all those feelings rose to the surface, rejection, shame, deep sadness, fear and all were swept from me…The verse from Psalm 51 comes to mind, ‘Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me’.

Since then we have spoken on the phone 3 times and I have been to visit him in which we talked for 4 hours! This restoration is huge and one thing which I must tell you is that Frances (my counselor) and I had been working through all the issues of my childhood together because of the anxiety I had been suffering with. We had done so much praying for my father and the Lord had helped me to revisit those painful places in prayer and had worked it all for good!

"Perfect love drives out fear"

~1 John 4:18

Moments of God's Grace...

As I listened to the song 'It is Well' by Kristene DiMarco the memories came flooding back. I had been playing this song over and over throughout the third cycle of IVF. A lovely lady from Church had sent me the playlist of the album Brave and this song was on it. The words had strongly resonated with me and we played this album on nearly every journey we made to Nottingham.

That day, as I sat there waiting for the results, the words came more alive than ever. All it took was a phone call, a simple yes or no but the wait was always torturous. Although I was nervous I felt this deep calm within me. It was as though I had been shrouded by my Father's peaceful presence. I felt intensely connected to Him.

Yet something inside of me knew what the answer was going to be. Like a wave of words the line of the song which continuously played in my mind was, "So let go my soul and trust in Him". I have had this feeling before of knowing something which hasn't yet reached my consciousness. It was as though God was preparing me for the oncoming sorrow. He was speaking directly to my spirit through the line of this song. My spirit knew there was to be woe that day.

Finally the phone rang, they were half an hour late. I was still hanging on. I had reasoned with myself that the late phone call was obviously a good sign because last time they had rang so early with bad news. My hands were shaking and my heart rapidly boomed in my chest.

As I stood up the line grew louder, "SO LET GO MY SOUL AND TRUST IN HIM...Let go..Let go", louder and louder it resounded in my ears. Then my hand reached for the phone and as clear as anything the words, as though whispered in my ear, "You will be blessed seven times" echoed through my being. Though as I began to speak like a hurricane these words of grace swirled away in the confusion of pain and sadness.

I went through all the usual details, name, date of birth and the silly question "Is it okay to talk?" I tried to figure out from her voice what the news would be but she remained neutral. Eventually the words I had somehow knew were coming, "I'm sorry, it's not good news" and suddenly everything grew hazy. I could barely answer anything she said. I felt choked and the tears had already started spilling. At that point, after I put the phone down and fell into my husband's arms, I did let go. It all came pouring out. I allowed myself to be broken. I mourned, I cried and I felt my heart aching.

I was completely unaware though that this song comes from the hymn by Horatio Spafford. Only recently did I learn of the tragedy behind it. He penned the words just after he discovered that all four of his children had died after the ship sank which they were travelling on. His wife alone survived. He lost his family all in that one moment. Yet still he praised God through the words of his song. He found hope, grace and love though his pain and suffering. He looked to the Lord for assurance and kept his trust in Him.

"Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to know,

It is well, it is well, with my soul".  

 

Second wedding anniversary...

Today is our second wedding anniversary and I couldn't let this day go by without writing about how grateful I am for my husband and our marriage.

Over the past 12 days I have been journaling my partial fast which has been such an amazing experience so far. My fast comes to an end on the 22nd January and I shall have plenty to write about what I have learnt. So I haven't really got round to posting much about gratitude yet. 

This past year we have both experienced much pain and loss yet through this our marriage has been blessed with much love and strength. I am so thankful for my husband and my love and respect has grown deeper for him with every passing year.

Today also marks 6 years that we have been together and I have had the privilege to watch Jason grow into the man he has become. We have shared so much in that time together...

These incredible lyrics from the song Wedding Day by Casting Crowns capture just how I felt on that wondrous wedding day when I saw his face and the love in his eyes. How beautiful love is..this gift God has given us...

"When someone dries your tears
When someone wins your heart and says your beautiful
When you don't know you are
And all you long to see
Is written on his face
Love has come and finally set you free
On that wedding day"

"I have found the one who my soul loves" ~ Song of Solomon 3:4