That day, as I sat there waiting for the results, the words came more alive than ever. All it took was a phone call, a simple yes or no but the wait was always torturous. Although I was nervous I felt this deep calm within me. It was as though I had been shrouded by my Father's peaceful presence. I felt intensely connected to Him.
Yet something inside of me knew what the answer was going to be. Like a wave of words the line of the song which continuously played in my mind was, "So let go my soul and trust in Him". I have had this feeling before of knowing something which hasn't yet reached my consciousness. It was as though God was preparing me for the oncoming sorrow. He was speaking directly to my spirit through the line of this song. My spirit knew there was to be woe that day.
Finally the phone rang, they were half an hour late. I was still hanging on. I had reasoned with myself that the late phone call was obviously a good sign because last time they had rang so early with bad news. My hands were shaking and my heart rapidly boomed in my chest.
As I stood up the line grew louder, "SO LET GO MY SOUL AND TRUST IN HIM...Let go..Let go", louder and louder it resounded in my ears. Then my hand reached for the phone and as clear as anything the words, as though whispered in my ear, "You will be blessed seven times" echoed through my being. Though as I began to speak like a hurricane these words of grace swirled away in the confusion of pain and sadness.
I went through all the usual details, name, date of birth and the silly question "Is it okay to talk?" I tried to figure out from her voice what the news would be but she remained neutral. Eventually the words I had somehow knew were coming, "I'm sorry, it's not good news" and suddenly everything grew hazy. I could barely answer anything she said. I felt choked and the tears had already started spilling. At that point, after I put the phone down and fell into my husband's arms, I did let go. It all came pouring out. I allowed myself to be broken. I mourned, I cried and I felt my heart aching.
I was completely unaware though that this song comes from the hymn by Horatio Spafford. Only recently did I learn of the tragedy behind it. He penned the words just after he discovered that all four of his children had died after the ship sank which they were travelling on. His wife alone survived. He lost his family all in that one moment. Yet still he praised God through the words of his song. He found hope, grace and love though his pain and suffering. He looked to the Lord for assurance and kept his trust in Him.
"Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to know,
It is well, it is well, with my soul".