When life gets busy...

As I write today I battle with the effects of burn-out. This year has become one of the most fulfilling and exhilarating years I have ever experienced. We have been blessed in so much but one thing I continuously fight with is the momentum life can suddenly reach. 

The year ahead is jam-packed with new and exciting events and activities but I often face the question of how can I have the energy to do them all? This began when at 14 years old I was diagnosed with M.E.- an illness that robs you of your energy. I have never really written about it and have attempted so many times to keep it hidden but still the struggle is there. 

Often the lack of energy at times can cause me to feel extremely despondent as I have to navigate through all the different opportunities that are daily given to me. The last few weeks have been particularly hard as there have been a lot of difficulties to overcome. The only way I can describe to you what it feels like most of the time is in the form of a picture. I am like a person who is spinning plates, I'll get a couple of plates spinning really strong and solid and feel happy to start trying others. However I often get very excitable as those plates are going really well so I'll reach for another 5 or 10 instead of 1! Before I know they all come tumbling down and I have to start again. 

Yet I have felt God saying to me continuously over this year..."Let go, stop trying to spin those plates and come to me"...  I have began to realise that my weariness frequently heightens when I do not spend time in His presence. I need His presence. There is healing in His presence. The plate spinner madly dashes back and forth fearful of the crash of tumbling plates. Yet the Jesus follower doesn't need spinning plates, he peacefully walks past him and says, "My Father has got this because each plate is in His hand!" 

Matthew 11:28
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest"...

"Perfect love drives out fear"...

If I was to write all that has been happening in my life since February when I last posted on here it would take me many weeks to share everything! Yet I am compelled to share this incredible story of what God has been doing in my life this year!

Before I share what happened I will firstly explain the circumstances of my relationship with my Dad. After I was conceived my father had decided that he couldn't be part of my life. This decision was not made quickly and was wrestled with over a number of months. Many external factors may well have influenced the decision as well. It was messy and complicated. As I grew up I remember wondering where my Dad was but like with anything painful this was buried and forgotten in the events of life.

Up to the age of seven my mother had taken me a few times to visit my father but it was not well received, he was still sticking by that decision he had made. The last time I had visited him was when my mum had taken me to his place of work to give him a Christmas card. He worked in the offices on the top floor and the lady on reception had to ring up to him. I stood there waiting and she said to me, "I am sorry but your father has just left the building". He had run away from me...I left there feeling confused as to why my Daddy was scared of me.

22 years of having no father left me with a big hole in my life but I couldn't really see that until I found Father God! Father God began to show me that the pain in my life had left me more of a mess than I ever could have imagined. Many times I feel as though I have had light bulb moments from God as over and over he has revealed more and more of His truth!

The Lord was about to reveal something that would amaze more even more! It all began on Good Friday when we had a telephone call from Gillian (my father’s adoptive sister) who told us that sadly Kitty (my father’s adoptive mother) had passed away that morning. She was 87 years old and had been suffering with a chest infection. The news had left me feeling split between two emotions of sadness but excitement. I was sad that her time on earth was over but she was a believer and I knew that she would be in heaven with Jesus. Yet I also felt an anticipation of something good and this was because I knew that there would be a potential meeting between me and my father.

The funeral was scheduled to take place on 16^th April at 12.45pm and I had been invited to go along with my mum and Jason. Just the day beforehand we had been to visit Kitty’s body to say our goodbyes. That was the first time I had ever seen a lifeless body before so I felt that I had overcome a fear of death by visiting her.

A week before the funeral I had met up with two friends from Church, Amanda and Diane, and I shared with them about the upcoming funeral. They knew all the circumstances about my Dad and the pain his absence had left in my life. So they prayed for me and their faith being great enlarged mine even more. I left them with an even more amplified expectation of God’s goodness to come.

Yet it wasn’t without testing! On the day of the funeral I felt a deep of peace in my heart and got ready feeling comfortable about the day ahead. Nevertheless as I got in the car and we started journeying towards the Church where the funeral was being held I had the worst anxiety attack yet to hit me! I wrestled in the car with the anxiety and the closer I got the stronger it felt. My chest tightened so I could barely breathe, sharp pains stabbed like daggers, my hands started to sweat profusely and I felt dizzy. With every twist in the road I felt pulled in every direction. The car felt like it was travelling too fast and I was overwhelmed with the sense of everything being out of control. I knew what the attack was and I knew why!  

As we got to the Church we were late and the service had already started. Every step towards the Church had now become painful. I almost felt I had been inflicted with pain. The enemy had started whispering to me and an attack of the doubts had risen up. I felt so restless and as we went into the Church I was constantly looking for the man, who by name, was my Dad.

As I sat in my seat I felt barely conscious, there was a battle going on inside of me. The enemy whispered, “Go you shouldn’t be here, you don’t deserve to be here”. I felt a deep sense of shame had suddenly surfaced in me, tears kept welling in my eyes. I had sat near the door and the temptation was so strong to leave. I felt I was being purged of something that had long been sitting within me and it was all surfacing and rising. It threatened to overwhelm me but God had His hand upon me. This battle had long been decided that it was to be a victory for the Lord.

As I got out of the Church at the end of the service again we were late and had missed the intermediate family leaving first. My mum had rushed ahead to try and catch Gillian before they left for the Crematorium. Every step in that direction had again become painful. I didn’t even want to walk that way, I was on the verge of giving up when I had already got too close to the family party gathered ahead and was suddenly embraced in a hug by Gillian!

Then my eyes slowly turned and saw as my father rotated around and saw my mother standing there. He gave her a warm hug and kiss on the cheek and then his eyes fell upon me. The anxiety was gone. It had all disappeared in that second. I noticed immediately that there was difference in the way my father was looking at me. His eyes were penetrating and concentrated. He softly said ‘Hello’ and just continue to gaze upon my face.

All of sudden we were off again to the Crematorium in which a short service saw Kitty’s coffin disappear behind the curtain. All filed outside to talk before many went onto Gillian’s house for refreshments. My father and I once again locked eyes across the crowd of people. He was slowly trying to make his way to us but kept getting stopped by others.

We were then invited back to Gillian’s which was completely unexpected! We were turning to leave and make our way there when my Dad caught us before we left. He said, ‘You’re not going are you?’ We replied that we were heading to Gillian’s. He seemed most happy then and was content to let us go. I felt he wanted to talk to me and I had an expectation of more of God's goodness to come.

At this point I was brimming with excitement but also felt a sense of shock and wonder at the turnaround of events. We travelled to Gillian’s and arrived after everyone else (again!), food and drink was offered and there was a buzz as the house began to fill up quite quickly. My Dad was busy chatting to everyone. There was a feeling of awkwardness for me as I didn’t know anyone but Gillian invited us into her empty living room and sat to talk to us for a bit before her hostess duties called to her.

After Gillian left we sat there for a bit with the odd person coming in and out. As time passed by I began to grow a little fidgety and said to mum and Jason, “Shall we get going now?” It was agreed upon and I summoned Jay to convey a message to my Dad, “Please can you tell Dad that we are leaving now and if he wants to have a chat before we go we are in the living room”. Jason got up and no sooner had he left were we joined by my Dad!

To my utter amazement he sat down next to me on the sofa and turned to look at me. There was some hesitation and nerves at first but unlike in the past there was an atmosphere of breakthrough. Time seemed to freeze as he looked into the face of his daughter. No words were spoken for some time. His face was softened and gentle as though melted by the radiance of love that shone there. It was as though he had just seen me for the first time. Every person who came in Dad would say, "This is my daughter Polly". I felt pursued. I felt wanted. I felt loved and precious. Something new had awakened in me. 

An hour and a half passed in which the conversation had even reached football between Dad and Jason. I came away that day with words of hope and light. Dad had mentioned me visiting him and being able to ring him. He looked joyful and excited. 

The Lord had just won a great big victory for me! Thank you Jesus! Oh how you have restored to me all that has been lost, stolen or destroyed! God's heart-shaped fingerprints were all over this moment! Upon reflection after the funeral I realised that it was though I had to become the pain for that moment, which manifested so strongly in me, in order for it to be released and replaced by God’s perfect love. As I had sat in the Church service all those feelings rose to the surface, rejection, shame, deep sadness, fear and all were swept from me…The verse from Psalm 51 comes to mind, ‘Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me’.

Since then we have spoken on the phone 3 times and I have been to visit him in which we talked for 4 hours! This restoration is huge and one thing which I must tell you is that Frances (my counselor) and I had been working through all the issues of my childhood together because of the anxiety I had been suffering with. We had done so much praying for my father and the Lord had helped me to revisit those painful places in prayer and had worked it all for good!

"Perfect love drives out fear"

~1 John 4:18

Moments of God's Grace...

As I listened to the song 'It is Well' by Kristene DiMarco the memories came flooding back. I had been playing this song over and over throughout the third cycle of IVF. A lovely lady from Church had sent me the playlist of the album Brave and this song was on it. The words had strongly resonated with me and we played this album on nearly every journey we made to Nottingham.

That day, as I sat there waiting for the results, the words came more alive than ever. All it took was a phone call, a simple yes or no but the wait was always torturous. Although I was nervous I felt this deep calm within me. It was as though I had been shrouded by my Father's peaceful presence. I felt intensely connected to Him.

Yet something inside of me knew what the answer was going to be. Like a wave of words the line of the song which continuously played in my mind was, "So let go my soul and trust in Him". I have had this feeling before of knowing something which hasn't yet reached my consciousness. It was as though God was preparing me for the oncoming sorrow. He was speaking directly to my spirit through the line of this song. My spirit knew there was to be woe that day.

Finally the phone rang, they were half an hour late. I was still hanging on. I had reasoned with myself that the late phone call was obviously a good sign because last time they had rang so early with bad news. My hands were shaking and my heart rapidly boomed in my chest.

As I stood up the line grew louder, "SO LET GO MY SOUL AND TRUST IN HIM...Let go..Let go", louder and louder it resounded in my ears. Then my hand reached for the phone and as clear as anything the words, as though whispered in my ear, "You will be blessed seven times" echoed through my being. Though as I began to speak like a hurricane these words of grace swirled away in the confusion of pain and sadness.

I went through all the usual details, name, date of birth and the silly question "Is it okay to talk?" I tried to figure out from her voice what the news would be but she remained neutral. Eventually the words I had somehow knew were coming, "I'm sorry, it's not good news" and suddenly everything grew hazy. I could barely answer anything she said. I felt choked and the tears had already started spilling. At that point, after I put the phone down and fell into my husband's arms, I did let go. It all came pouring out. I allowed myself to be broken. I mourned, I cried and I felt my heart aching.

I was completely unaware though that this song comes from the hymn by Horatio Spafford. Only recently did I learn of the tragedy behind it. He penned the words just after he discovered that all four of his children had died after the ship sank which they were travelling on. His wife alone survived. He lost his family all in that one moment. Yet still he praised God through the words of his song. He found hope, grace and love though his pain and suffering. He looked to the Lord for assurance and kept his trust in Him.

"Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to know,

It is well, it is well, with my soul".  

 

Second wedding anniversary...

Today is our second wedding anniversary and I couldn't let this day go by without writing about how grateful I am for my husband and our marriage.

Over the past 12 days I have been journaling my partial fast which has been such an amazing experience so far. My fast comes to an end on the 22nd January and I shall have plenty to write about what I have learnt. So I haven't really got round to posting much about gratitude yet. 

This past year we have both experienced much pain and loss yet through this our marriage has been blessed with much love and strength. I am so thankful for my husband and my love and respect has grown deeper for him with every passing year.

Today also marks 6 years that we have been together and I have had the privilege to watch Jason grow into the man he has become. We have shared so much in that time together...

These incredible lyrics from the song Wedding Day by Casting Crowns capture just how I felt on that wondrous wedding day when I saw his face and the love in his eyes. How beautiful love is..this gift God has given us...

"When someone dries your tears
When someone wins your heart and says your beautiful
When you don't know you are
And all you long to see
Is written on his face
Love has come and finally set you free
On that wedding day"

"I have found the one who my soul loves" ~ Song of Solomon 3:4

Leaving behind 2014...

Today is the very last day of 2014! This year has given me much to look back on and I have been particularly glad of the quiet reflection I have had these past couple of days.  The only way 2014 can be summarised is by describing it as many low valleys but with many great peaks.

From beginning 2014 with so much fresh hope the pain of events rose. Firstly the woman I had been searching for,my grandmother, passed away on the 5th January. The news came by letter and it was only days before my first cycle of IVF was to begin. I didn't quite know how to feel about it. I had known of her existence only 2 years and had only a few lines describing her character. That generation had ended leaving behind many unknown mysteries...

Then began the one thing I had spent most of 2013 waiting for - the IVF. When I look back the first cycle in many ways was the easiest. Although I was at times afraid of the unknown we still strongly carried the hope and the dream within us of having our own child. 

Losing that first little baby, though it was only 10 days old, was brutally painful. Seeing the strong pink line fade and disappear over the days was in many ways like seeing the hope fading. For many weeks afterwards it was incomprehensible to me. We had seen the little baby grow from such a tiny size watching it on the screen and then had them collected from my body. We waited every day to hear news on how they were doing and this little baby was the only one left. 

Once that little baby was gone and we were left dazed and confused, we came blinking out of the darkness and into the light. Despite the loss I felt closer to God then ever before. He grew my strength in the month and a half we waited until the next cycle.  

Another cycle began in May and I was stronger than I had ever been before. The time passed away quicker in this second cycle and just as quickly as we had started it was all suddenly over. The pain was harder to deal with this time. All 16 embryos had not made it. The cycle was called a failed cycle as it had not reached completion. That is exactly how I felt - a failure. Little did I know that I had become performance driven as that is what the IVF is all about. 

The next 3 and a half months became a great peak for me. It was a time of so much growing and great blessing. In June we moved to the Kingdom Life Church. It was great big step and I felt that was where God truly wanted me to be. My whole life has been changed by moving to KLC. I have made some amazing friends, I have become part of a family, I have learnt so much more about God and connected with Him in deeper ways than I ever knew possible. This without me realising all prepared me for the final stage of the IVF.  

Our third and final cycle commenced in September and with it closed that door. After 7 weeks of a long, drawn-out period we had another repeat of our second cycle. I could feel my strength fading physically and emotionally. The pain was too much and I wanted no more. I cried out to God please stop this pain now and He did! Only a week later we had a letter saying that the NHS will no longer fund anymore cycles. It was over... and I sighed relief. 

My body regained strength again throughout November and December and piece by piece God lifted my up out of my despair. He redeemed my life from the pit and renewed my youth like the eagle's (Psalm 103). Each time I went through a cycle I rose and spread out a new being through what I had seen and done in the valley of the shadow of death. He was with me through all and comforted me. Every time I had walked through the valley, He brought me to a peak and on the peak O did I worship Him even more! 

This year has truly been a journey and by looking back I can now look forward. 2015 will be filled with gratitude and thanks to God. I will seek out gratitude every day and write as many blog posts as I can. 

What am I thankful for in 2014? 

I am thankful for my Lord who never left me though I walked through many trials. 

I am thankful for my marriage. Jason is a great blessing in my life and through the pain we have shared together our love has flourished deeper and deeper. 

I am thankful for Jason's job and all he provides for us. He works hard every day and puts all of himself into his job. 

I am thankful for friends and all who have touched my life this year. 

I am thankful for my mum. She has been infinitely supportive and has given so much of herself to help Jason and I. 

I am thankful for the Kingdom Life Church and the home it has become to us. 

I am thankful for my good health. 

And I am thankful for the New Year ahead of us. The beginning of a fresh season full of hope and gratitude! 

New Year...

As 2015 approaches my thoughts always drift to New Year's Resolutions. At this time of year I always find myself reflecting. Looking back over all the circumstances, situations and where God has led us...

2014 has been a year full of so many great blessings yet not without the rain of pain...I have much to wonder at and much to be in awe of. I now have entered a new year of my life - my 22nd year. My 21st year was abundant with learning, finding myself and who I am and most importantly finding where I belong and where I fit! I have entered my 22nd year with a feeling of security such as I have never felt before. 

Now with 2015 a fresh year ahead I feel that New Year's Resolutions are not enough (I never keep them all anyway!) I want more than that, a deeper feeling and something that I can really connect with. So I read somewhere about using a theme for the year rather than resolutions. So my theme for 2015 is gratitude. I want to write posts as often as I can relating all the things I am grateful for and bringing as much gratitude into our lives. 

I have spent a year in the waiting room, waiting for the next chapter or season of my life. Yet in that time I have been missing what is going on in my life now! I have been blind to see what God is doing for me and my husband every day. 

Gratitude is a choice we make, a choice to 'clothe ourselves' with thankfulness. It is a mindset which needs to be in every Christian's lives. Yet many of us struggle to be thankful especially in times of storms and seasons of waiting. 

So 2015 will be washed with thankfulness. 2014 was a year of pain but let this new year be a year of gain... 

"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for His steadfast love endures for ever!"  ~Psalm 107:1