Reflections...

The past few days have been a whirlwind and in the quietness of Boxing day I have made time to reflect. Christmas day was the first spent with my whole family together. There was such an atmosphere of peace as I enjoyed sharing the day with everyone.

Inverness was an incredible trip and I am so glad Jason arranged it all for me. Before I left I felt this deep sense of importance surrounding this visit to Scotland. 3 years after the discovery of my family heritage in Scotland I finally had the opportunity to walk in my ancestor's footsteps. I had never been on an airplane before and was a little nervous about flying. Yet the experience was exhilarating, even though I found take off a little uncomfortable, I soon forgot as I gazed in awe at the views through the window. The vision before me was heavenly, we floated above a bed of clouds which sailed and danced around us.

As we stepped off the plane the cold air bit through me and I was startled by the crispness of it. I knew at this point that I had not brought the right clothes for the weather! We had arrived in Scotland in the darkness so I had to wait till the morning before I could see anything. Our first day was spent exploring the local shops and the city of Inverness mainly because I wanted to see the big bookshop that we had discovered whilst researching the local attractions. The bookshop was so large that it took ages to look round and we spent most of the morning in there.

We had tried the telephone number of my family in Scotland just before we left and it had dialing tone. I had been hoping that they would answer so I could ask if we could meet up with them in Inverness as we were only staying an hour away. Yet they could not be reached before we left for Scotland. I did feel a small pang of disappointment but I didn't want this to stop me from believing in greater things. We had also tried to discover where my Nana was buried in Scotland in hopes of visiting her grave. When she died last year in January I had not really been able to feel anything. She had become a fleeting person in my life, no sooner had I found her was she gone. Yet we could find nothing about where she was buried.

On the second day of our trip we got up early and drove out to the Loch Ness which was breathtaking. I would have loved to go out onto the Loch in a boat which it was possible to hire but it was just too cold for me! As we continued driving we came across a castle called Urquhart castle.

Jason loves castle so we decided to have a look around there. In that time the weather had changed and it started to pour with heavy cold rain. Another realisation- my coat was not waterproof!After getting very wet and cold we headed back for a hot meal at the hotel. Later on in the day we drove to Raigmore hospital where my Dad was born. To see the place where Dad was born filled me with such emotion and we started to pray. I had prayed at the Loch and prayed outside the hospital.

The very next day we awoke with a fresh determination to visit the Highland Archive office which we had seen on a signpost the day before. Within moments of visiting the Archive office we had the name of the cemetery and the location of her grave which was only 3 minutes away! I was in complete shock - finally we could go and visit her grave. I went to buy some flowers, beautiful pink tulips with gold leaves. Meanwhile the weather grew gradually worse and the rain became torrential. We hadn't long been at the cemetery before we found her name amongst the others. Seeing the words written before me I started to feel a bit choked and I grew irritable as I was trying to arrange her flowers. Jason asked me if I wanted to be alone and I realised then that I did. It wasn't long before tears came and pain filled my heart of the loss. Yet all I could think of was the loss between my Dad and her. How she was his mother but could never be his mother. Once again I prayed and came away from the grave feeling a whole lot lighter.

Our trip to Inverness felt as though it was a beginning and an end. Another chapter in the story and seeds sown in the soil of Scotland. There is growing and transformation in my life and I anticipate the new year because 2015 has been amazing!

Stronger than the darkness...

A heavy cloud has been resting on me now these past 3 years since my diagnosis. Although I don't regret anything that has happened during those 3 years and have seen so much of God's goodness, I have felt the full weight of my choice. Sometimes it has been hard to see out of the storm of chaos and many times I have felt a grip on me stronger than flesh and blood. Since I stepped into the discovery of my family and the generational curse - I feel as though I have stepped into an enemy stronghold full of fear, darkness, shame and a war on the flesh and mind.

I began to suffer with an anxiety that clutched and squeezed the life out of me. It would take hold of me so unexpectedly and inject with me fear. So much confusion reigned in my life and only God could make things clear for me. He would show up with his giant torch to shine under the bed and check for monsters. He would reassure me that everything is okay. He would show me how I sadly believed a lie and would tell me the truth. Great peace would flood my soul and the fear retreated.


Yet the fear still continued to attack trying so many different tactics. Each time it was defeated it returned as though angered by God's victory. Its main source of attack is always related to my mutant DNA. Since my father came back into my life in April this year the attacks have grown more pointed. Yet over the summer this year God stirred up in my heart a longing for healing so strong. I began to believe, though it is deemed impossible in our physical world, that I would be healed. This wellspring of hope had become a shining light over the past few months.


When I started University in September I grew very busy with the work and assignments and started to feel a little weary and tired. Yet once again God intervened and charged me with new energy - in the form of hope. Truth opened out before me like a book. I could suddenly see myself from the position of an observer - I saw the darkness that was all around me. I saw how I had begun to hold my head in shame. How unworthiness seemed to seep from me. The beautiful place of my mind that God created had become polluted by dark and fearful thoughts. I had believed the lie that I am not 'me' anymore, like some Jekyll and Hyde creature I was slowly transforming into the mutant DNA that lies within me. My thought-life had become panicked and fearful. I was fighting to control my mind so strongly, so tightly because I was afraid of it, like it somehow wasn't mine anymore. I knew this was the work of the enemy attacking my identity.

The truth illuminated the darkness and confusion. Once again peace flooded me and hope filled my heart...

"So why would I fear the future? For I'm being pursued only by Your goodness and unfailing love..."  ~Psalm 23.

Letting go...

Letting go

It’s a season of letting go

Of all I knew

And all I know.

With empty hands

And empty heart

I come to You

For a fresh start.

I let go of all the anxiety

All the what ifs

And the whys

And rest under your great authority.

I sing for joy

Over your perfect love for me

That casts out all fear

And cleanses me.

But letting go means more

Than just releasing

It’s a key to set me free

To liberate. To restore.

Building hunger...

It has already been one month since I started University and so far I have really been enjoying the experience. I have already read so many interesting books and some that I have always longed to read but never found the time to. I've also met some incredible people and found myself growing in this season. Going to University was something I have always wanted to do but after the past few years of difficulties it became less of a priority.

Yet as the weeks have been going on a new type of hunger has been awakening in me. I find the work interesting but it is not as satisfying as I always thought it would be. If anything I find myself more hungry than ever but not for the kind of knowledge I gain at University- my hunger is for God. The more I'm at University the more I realise how much I want and need God to be central in my life. I constantly want to talk about Him, write about Him and worship Him.

I have always believed education is important and I am so blessed with the opportunity to learn. Somehow though my beliefs got mixed up with thinking it meant everything, that it was part of my identity. Yet as I sit in University I realise more and more that it cannot cultivate the person I want to be, the knowledge I will gain is only a small part of who I am and cannot serve fully to who I want to be.

At first I thought it was a bad thing that University did not satisfy me. It made me question whether I was doing the right thing in being there. After a time though it became clear that this new season is one of building hunger for God. I want more of Him, I need more of Him. My soul has been crying out for that every day as it continuously increases. "Give me more God", my heart sings, I've tasted and seen that the Lord is good and I want more...

As the Autumn leaves fall outside I shed my own dried up leaves and step into new truths...

"I am truly His Rose...I am overshadowed by His growing love, in the valley"...

Writing and Uni...

So I have literally 2 weeks to go till I start University! Getting quite nervous now! I have bought the books, I've got my timetable and now I'm ready to go. I first applied for Uni back in February and since then it hasn't really felt real that I would actually be going but when I received my reading list I thought, "Okay this is really real now!!" Going on this course is a humongous step for me as when I left education 3 years ago I never thought I would get the opportunity to go back.

I love writing and reading but particularly over the past couple of years my writing has taken a whole new direction. It isn't just about writing it's more than that, it's become a way to express myself, it's unlocked my heart. I have written in and from some of the most painful experiences and in doing so the joy has been even greater when I started to move from that season of pain, of wilderness to that of abundance, of God's promises and of His revelation of Truth.

I am going to University to bring another experience of stepping out in this new season of restoration. I am hoping I will gain new tools for writing and grow in confidence. One of the modules I will start next year will be Creative Writing which I am super excited about. So I shall try and keep up blogging posts here and there about my experiences at Uni!

So why would I fear the future?

Regret...something I have not felt in the 3 years since I have known. I believed I was being courageous getting tested but I did not know how much the result would torment me. It tests me every day and as I stood in front of the mirror this morning putting make up on my face I felt a surge of regretfulness over the choice I made. I thought to myself, 'Wouldn't it be easier now if I had made a different choice?' I gazed at myself, 'Would I be the same person I am now?' 

I had accepted the diagnosis readily with such ease but now something is stirring inside me screaming, 'I don't want it! The burden is too heavy'. Seeing my father beginning to show early signs of HD conjured up images, thoughts and feelings of my future. There is so much fear surrounding the disease's form of attack, the way it seems to strip away a person's identity. The way that daughter must look at father knowing she must become like him. 

Wouldn't it have been easier now if I had not taken that test? I could at least put all my faith and trust in God that I would be free of disease as no laboratory results would say otherwise. Instead I have this piece of paper inscribed with my fate. Yet as I have free will I made the choice to see what lay dormant in me. Again it was confirmed as little embryos formed in me were discovered to hold the same toxic seed. 

I have another choice before me- despite all this knowledge that has come from DNA, from doctors and generations before me do I still trust God that He will work it all out for good? Do I still have hope that somehow I could be healed from what is deemed an incurable disease? I made a choice and chose this path and I don't pretend it isn't harder- it calls for my faith to be so much bigger, it calls for me to look beyond what I think I understand and put complete trust in God. 

"Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?"

~Matthew 16:24-26

David may not have had a piece of paper to show for it but he had a death warrant on his life. Saul wanted him dead and it was battle that required David to put all his trust in God and in doing so his faith grew bigger and bigger each time. He reminded himself all the time of God's goodness and expressed his heart in the writing of his songs. So why would I fear the future? "Fear will never conquer me, for you already have!'"

So I pray that though this path is hard at times I will remember, "the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago", of how big our God is and how nothing is impossible with Him!! 

"So why would I fear the future? For I'm being pursued by Your goodness and unfailing love". ~Psalm 23 The Passion Translation.

Choosing to love...

It has been 4 months since my relationship with my Dad has been restored. I have been amazed at what God has been doing but also how He has been doing it too! I am continuing writing everything that has been happening and through my writing I have been able to express some of my most deepest thoughts. 

There has been a lot of rebuilding and through the rubble and ruins I have had to sift the old objects of my memories. Memory after memory has been resurfaced and each time I have to choose what I want to do with it. This is soul restoration - I am being completely rebuilt. Foundations removed entirely and replaced by Jesus. Sometimes I feel conflicted as I am pulled between the old and the new. 

Many conflicting feelings have arisen since building the new relationship with my Dad as my soul battles between love and fear. Love will win it out- it always does but there is pain in moving from the one to the other. Firstly I have had to get out of my comfort zone! I knew that in choosing to accept this relationship instead of rejecting it that I would have to move into places of great discomfort. How tempting it can be to run from those places and it has took all my strength not to. 

In my counselling sessions using Sozo tools many times I declared forgiveness for my father rejecting me. Yet now as I walk the journey of rebuilding forgiveness becomes an act- it moves from words to actions. Just as I declared my forgiveness in the spiritual realm it must now take place in the physical realm. I must choose in each moment to let go and let God fill me with His love. 

A flood of emotions have overcome me at times abruptly leaving me feeling heavy and oppressed. I am overwhelmed by their rude awakening. Anger, doubt, distrust, resentment, self-pity tormented my soul. I had never been angry at my Dad before and now it raged through me. I love my Father in heaven, not this father who was never there for me and left me with an inheritance I never wanted. As I filled with hatred it felt so unnatural, rebellion and self-destruction followed soon after and I was getting pulled into a greater force stronger than all this. Then God reminded me, gently and quietly, He reminded me of love and how much He loves me. 

Yet more than this He reminded me that is a choice- I have to choose to love and there is power in that. God chose to love me when I was nothing and when I was a complete mess! God restored my father to me and therefore I must choose love over fear and forgiveness over hate. God's love is stronger than any hate, his love burns with holy fire and will shine through all.